I just came back from practising at the PE studio. After long last, I finally have some time to practise. But after 2 weeks of not practising, it doesn't feel the same, somehow. When I practised today, I jus feel like I'm dancing worse than before. And I just feel like I can't express myself at all, because I kept thinking that I ought to be studying for Promos and not practising dance. i can feel that all the stress inside me is eating me up inside and, to make things worse, keeping me from truly showing my style when I'm dancing.
Before all this shit happened, I always have a song in my head and always coming up with new choreos/ideas. Also, I always have the urge to dance. Now, all I seem to care about is finishing tutorials, completing WR, and mug, mug, mug! And I can sense that my passion for dancing is fading because I just don't feel like myself lately. Lately, I don't feel like being that cheerful self that I was at the start of the year. I feel kind of empty now.
And all this frustration makes me feel kind of grumpy at times. Only when Wang Yi turned to me during Chem Tutorial and say:"Do you get insulted easily? Because I think you do", then i realized that my patience is wearing thin lately. Some of my classmates think I'm some kind of shooting target or something and always try to tease me. Most of the time, I'll try to play it down and stay calm. Slowly, my limit is approaching. I wonder whether the day will come when I will lose control of my temper
But I can't blame them entirely, because I know some ppl in my class are kind of the restless/playful type. And it may or may not be a good thing, depending on the situation. Sometimes, they made my day by telling jokes and play around and stuff; conversely, they sometimes use me as some shooting practise or something. Sometimes, I even wonder whether they treat me as part of the group.
"Do you have any true friends?" was the question someone asked me today. I stunned for a while. Then I realized, yes, of course, I do. They are the ppl that genuinely care for me. They are the ppl who helped me when I am in need. They are the ones who shared memories, both good and bad, with me. True friends are the ppl who knows and understands what I'm going through. I realized I'm not alone. Though that person meant to niao me when he asked me that question, but I want to thank him to help me realize that I'm not alone. I feel rather foolish that, even for a moment, I thought I was. If it weren't for these ppl, I wouldn't have come to where I am now.
Someone once said "Everyone is fighting battles of their own" . It struck me as very true. I know some of my good friends need as much support as I do. My dancemates (not only Oschoolers, but also my MAD friends) are constantly working hard to improve themselves. Tse Young, my roommate for 4 years and one of my closest friend, is fighting hard to save his scholarship, just like me. A battle to each self.
With this realization come renewed hope and strength for me to go on. I know I can do it no matter what shit I am facing.
Oh yeah, and I just found out from my mum (who took the liberty to help me checked) that I am selected for Malaysian NS. Yes, I know it's only three months but I'm just not keen on going. And this made my day even shittier (is there even such a word?).
Oh, and OSchool Recitial Auditions results are not out yet. Diana kindly went to check for us and she said that the results are postponed till tomorrow. And I was feeling kind of excited and nervous at the same time. Anyway, thanks to Diana for helping us check!
I think I've said enough. Time to mug!
